My little piece of the "It Gets Better" story

I've read a few of the blogs on bullies, and seen the videos circulating trying to let kids know that "It Gets Better." I haven't had a chance to watch a lot of them, but I think it's an amazing show of support and compassion for kids who spend a lot of time suffering and doubting and feeling like they have no worth.

And it doesn't stop when your age has a two in front instead of a one.

When I was a teenager, I lived in Maine. Even though I did theatre, I didn't know anyone who was openly gay. My high school actually had a gay and lesbian group (ALLIANCE maybe?), and that was very progressive for 1987-91, but no one I was friends with was out.

When I got to college, of course, all that changed. Over the course of my six (yeah, go ahead and laugh, it took me six) years, about 1/3 of my friends were openly gay or bi. One day I was driving with a friend of mine, and I decided to ask him what it was like to be gay in terms of relationships because I honestly didn't know and I wanted too. And what he told me was ABSOLUTELY no different then the way I felt every day. About sex, and more importantly, about love. The same hopes, the same desires, the same fears.

Of course he was talking about was all the feelings associated with love and sex that DON'T come with being different from the mainstream: the fear of being ridiculed, embarrassed, killed.

I think it was around that time that I made the decision that I ever fell in love and it was with a woman, I wouldn't let myself be too scared to admit it. I would embrace it and see where it led.

I don't think I ever thought it would happen, but it did. It was the first time in a long time that I had felt intelligent, funny, special. And yeah there were drunken make-out sessions in bars, but way more than that was how it felt to feel needed and as if there was someone who wanted to call ME if something good happened to them. I was scared shitless.

I thought about ignoring the way I felt. I spent hours thinking "Does this mean I'm gay? Do I tell my family? Are they going to disown me?" With all the gay friends I had, including my two best friends in the whole world, I still felt dirty and like a pervert. It is a really awful feeling to think that something about yourself is going to be thought of as gross or laughable or... even evil. And to feel that in yourself, despite the fact that everything you know proves otherwise.

I also remembered my promise to myself. And I decided that to do anything other than get over my fear would make me a hypocrite. I decided to tell her I loved her.

And she ran out my front door in fear.

I spent a long time trying to figure the whole thing out. I was embarrassed to tell almost everyone I knew. I acted like nothing was wrong to all of our friends for many years. I went home for three weeks and stayed in bed for most of it. I got therapy. I took a really long look at myself and what my role in the scenario was and what hers was. I worked it out. But all this time later it is still an incredibly hard thing to write about and share.

Looking back, I don't know if it was really love or the fact that she made me feel so... important... I hadn't had a lot of self-worth in a while, and she made me feel worthy. But I know that it was agonizing from beginning to end. And I know that the only thing I wanted was to be happy. I don't think being gay or straight is a black and white issue... on the sliding scale I tip more straight than not, I love my husband and want to spend the rest of my life with him. But it very easily could have gone another way...

I think being gay is about way more than just sex. It's not just about what happens in bars (well, any more than being straight is... have you walked by Thai's Lounge at 4:30 in the morning?), or who is a top or whether you are a lipstick lesbian or a butch lesbian. I imagine it is about wanting to feel loved and adored and respected and vital and WORTHY and wanting to make someone else feel the same way. It's not about being different, it's about being human. It's not about Saturday night, it is about Sunday afternoon when it is raining and a good movie is on. It is about who is going to still want to be with you when you have no hair, double the stomach, and you fart in your sleep.

I am a straight ally and there are 363 days until the next National Coming Out Day, but I'm coming out for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender equality every day because it's 2010 and almost 90% of LGBT youth experience harassment in school, and too many lives have been lost. Stand with me to show support for those who cannot.