Does the Economy Hold my Heart Hostage?

Life of a Theatre Wife

Written by Jennifer Adams Wednesday, 02 December 2009 15:35

Who am I?

I am not my kids or my marriage or my theatre company or my job.

What is left? Who am I?

I had the afternoon recently while the kids slept, and didn't know what to do. Didn't want to waste precious alone time. Didn't want to work or do something "necessary" or "meaningful." I ended up doing laundry and watching America's Next Top Model. How dumb is that?

Tyra, Goddess of the Model Mind, kept saying "Bring yourself to it."

I kept thinking, "Who is 'myself'?" I don't even feel like I know how to find myself, never mind bringing it to the table. It has prompted a lot of heavy sighing, through both nose and mouth, when I try to come up with an answer or a tangible solution.

I've been doing a lot of Soul Wading lately (soul searching would involve more time in the pool) and I'm realizing that I really need to get more art in my life. Now you might say "But you run a theatre company!" Yes. . . and that's very fulfilling.  But talking about the art, and how to make great art, is not on the same stage as doing the art, is it?

Ongoing difficulties at my day job have been a big factor in this is. Those of you who know me know that in the seven years I have been there, the cycle of happiness has always been like a Big Bi-Polar Hot Air Balloon. It goes in a circle: from ecstasy--feeling like what I do really matters to people; to crying on a toilet for ten minutes--being treated like I am the pee you see on the sidewalk. Like an irritating and useless puddle, that's not worth taking the time to clean up or think about for more than the time it takes to walk past.

The problem is, the air balloon is getting smaller and tighter; the cycles of crying are closer and closer together. I like the things I'm doing: the layout for the monthly newsletter-- I VERY excitedly taught myself InDesign, (with lots of help from Tony:); creating the email blasts; creating the numerous and glamorous flyers that melt the hearts of our members with their beauty and accessibility; and most recently, communicating with Chicago media to send press releases, announcements, etc., and keeping track of it all. It actually is really fun. I have a great direct supervisor. She understands how I work, and I think we work really well together. The issues don't have to do with what I do, they have to do with a general lack of respect, and a growing inability on my part to brush it off.

I keep thinking of my father, and how unhappy he was at his job. I always use to say, "Quit, Dad! It's making you a miserable person! No one should have to be that miserable!" Now I understand why quitting isn't as easy as it sounds, but after all these years, I still feel like a hypocrite that I can't follow my own advice...

So... what to do? The thought of doing another day job where I am expected to care, and yet am not cared about, does not appeal. The idea of having a day job that I don't care about goes against every fiber of my being (and my Zodiac sign, I think)... I am a person who needs to be passionate about her job. I really want to spend more time with our kids, but the idea of losing half our income does not seem like the responsible thing to do to us, our kids, or Halcyon. . .I would love to watch kids to supplement our income, but how many kids would I need to watch to do that, and still have enough in me to be a mom?

Now, stop me if you've heard this before, but...

What I really want is to have my day job be my Art...I love working really hard. I love having a job where I work long hours, and work nights, and attend meetings, and Ilove loving what I do and what it stands for. I have great ideas for our education programming; I love our mission and our ideas for working with refugees; I love to teach acting, to work with actors on their craft, I love directing, I love introducing theatre to people who don't know what it can hold, and to bring theatre to people of all ages. I really love working with actors who already know their stuff and are excited about getting even better. I would love to teach college, or classes through Halcyon for actors of all ages. . .

Here's the catch, right? I don't have a graduate degree. Nor do I have three years and tens of thousands of dollars to get a graduate degree...

I was looking on the DePaul website about their grad programs. . . The Theatre Admin. program looks good. . .it's really cool that you get to work at Chicago Shakespeare full-time as part of your degree (cool for CST as well, I imagine) but your salary is basically the cost of your tuition. . . so. . . again, that losing half our income for three years with two kids.

The Directing program looks. . . great, if you're 25 and right out of college with an acting degree...I looked at their curriculum..  . I've basically already DONE all of it, in the real world, for 10 years... and I think I do it pretty well. . . so, wouldn't I be taking time away from doing the art to learn what I already know about doing the art?

However, my work has all been rather... insulated? Not sure if that's the right word, but I have done it all on the down-low. Independently--I guess would be a better word. What I mean is, I didn't go the route of assisting for bigger directors or going to an undergrad or grad program where you got to meet and work with those people. Is anyone going to know who "Jenn Adams of Halcyon Theatre" is? . . . Enough to let me teach their kids? . . . or hire me to teach? (even though, of course, I would truly rock as a teacher or acting coach) :) :) :)

DOES THE ECONOMY HOLD MY HEART HOSTAGE? I know I'm not the only one out there with the feeling of not being able to quit because "You're lucky to HAVE a job." But is it a blessing or a curse not to be free to exert your worth or feel great about what you do?

Anyone experiencing these things, or does anyone have suggestions or a success story on breaking into teaching here in Chi-Town?

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The Problem With Keeping On

Tonys Blog

Written by Tony Adams Monday, 23 November 2009 15:42

Jenn and I had a fight yesterday, all the stress built up and led to the kind of fight normally happy married couples have all the time. Stress builds, it leads to an argument which leads to a bi-annual fight, which leads to talking about what's really bothering us, which leads to six more happy months until the next time we get frustrated with each other. (I'm 32, so I'm hoping we have about 136 more six-month fight-ups.)

But, I wonder what the kids see. If Jenn and I disagree about something, Tony Jr. immediately tries to get us to stop. We have to tell him, it's okay, mommy and daddy are just talking. We just disagree about a play. He gives us a weird look to see if we're telling the truth, then moves on to the next thing he wants to do.

I think back to when I was a kid. I never saw my parents happy unless it was something to do with us kids. With everything going on, do I stop moving long enough for my kids to see that I actually am happy?  That I love their mom. Not in some abstract notion, but in the I can't imagine a day without her kind of way.

Can they see that amid all the frustrations, that I love what I do?

I know that my parents didn't. They worked so we'd have food and a roof over our head. I know the difference. But what happens if I get so caught up in the minutia that my kids don't ever see that?

It's difficult for me to keep it all straight sometimes. Jenn's joked that the past festivals have gone up primarily by my willpower. The festival and the reason behind it are things I'm extraordinarily passionate about it.

I remember the first time I got the sense that anything besides us kids had made my mom happy. I was out west on this backpacking trip/class that my high school and two neighboring schools did. (Not the whole schools, but there were around thirty kids and faculty from three schools.) We stopped in a town and there was a care package waiting for me with some goodies, snack etc, and some mix-tapes to listen to that my mom had copied for me.

I've been thinking of that a lot lately. The cancer's back. She's in chemo again.

At the bottom of that care package was a stack of poems she had written. I was seventeen and had no idea my mom had ever written anything more than a grocery list. She'd been squirreling them away for God knows how long. It was the first time I'd sensed any true joy on her part. Writing made her happy. I was seventeen before I had seen anything make her happy.

If we're so busy keeping on, how can our kids even tell the difference between what we do for them, to keep food on the table, and what we love? How can we tell the difference?

Amongst all the pain in the ass things around us, I have to remember to not gloss over the reason that I do it. When I'm filling out stacks of paper work, or reviewing a grant application, or trying to help directors cast fifty plus roles, I have to remember that I'm not doing it for money. That all the work I do on the festival is my way to connect my mom's dream, what made her happy, with my daughter's potential, what might make her happy. I love what I do, who I do it for, and who I do it with. I hope my kids can see that. And I hope my mom has a chance to see the future festivals and can see that too.
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What's With the Bird?

Tonys Blog

Written by Tony Adams Thursday, 05 November 2009 14:18

A question I get a lot is (and I'm paraphrasing a little bit): what the hell is a bird doing in your logo?

It's a simple answer, really. The bird is a halcyon (also known as a kingfisher.) Technically, the bird is a Stork-billed Kingfisher (Pelargopsis capensis) And technically it is no longer classified in the Halcyon genus (but still in the Halcyonidae family,) but who's counting?

The name of our company is taken from the Greek myth of Alcyone and Ceyx who were transformed into halcyons. (Longer version from Ovid here.)

So if you wondered, that's why there's a bird. (Also why the name of our festival is Alcyone.) Add a comment

Bowling for Women

Tonys Blog

Written by Tony Adams Wednesday, 04 November 2009 12:37

When I was in high school I went bowling for a first date. I was pretty excited. She was (in order of high school importance) hot, a drummer, an all-state athlete, very cool to hang out with. Even though  I wasn't much of a bowler, and had recently partially torn one of the tendons that attach your rotator cuff to your scapula, and re-tore it the week prior at the state wrestling meet, my immediate response was "Um, yeah, sure sounds fun."

When we got there, I couldn't pick up a bowling ball with my right hand. I smiled, tried my best and bowled with my left. Not pretty. She bowled a 181. After, an old lady--probably in her eighties-- came over with her walker.  She asked if we were on a date. We said we were.

She said to my date, "Honey, he's a keeper. Any strong young man that can take an ass-whoopin' like that from a pretty girl and still smile is a keeper in my book."

Yes, I remember her exact words a decade later. As the woman turned her walker around to go back to her game, I looked up at her score and she too had done better than I. Walker and all.

In college, another girl asked me out on a date. Bowling was her choice as well.  My immediate response was "Um, yeah sure sounds fun." It ended up with a flat tire in the pouring rain.

An aside to all the ladies out there. Bowling is a horrible idea for a first date. Seriously. Unless you want to date one of the characters from The Big Lebowski, in which case you may want to solicit some new dating advice.

In short, I have not had very good luck with bowling for women. So when Jenn asked me about doing a bowling fundraiser for the Alcyone Festival, my immediate response was "Um, yeah, sure sounds fun."

The problem is I suck at bowling. I also have horrible luck as soon as I enter a bowling alley.

Help me out. I'm looking for sponsors for our bowl-a-thon. All the proceeds go to helping produce fantastic works by women. According to the Dept of Labor the percentage of women that are CEO's, farmers and ranchers are higher than the percentage of plays by women that are produced every year. The Alcyone Festival is our way to combat the 20%. But we need your help.

Sponsor me? In addition to helping to mount the Alcyone Festival, a nice side benefit would be applying a temporary tourniquet on the disaster that typically befalls me bowling for women.
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Canon 2.0?

Tonys Blog

Written by Tony Adams Tuesday, 20 October 2009 11:29

Over on the twitter, Travis asks: "What women should be in a revised theatre canon? Give: Name, Representative Play, & Slug Line (i.e. why they're in)."

I think it is a great question.  I've got some suggestions. It's something we spend a lot of time on. But I'd like to expand it.

If you had the ability to add writers to the theatrical canon (and the identical reading list every college seems to photocopy) who should be included? Who would be added in a revised canon? Anyone you'd drop?

Please let me know in the comments. I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts.

I'll have some of mine next week. Add a comment